Here I Am
I’m finally here. Days and months of planning, thinking, strategizing and preparing for my first blog. And here I am basically “winging it.” I had allllll these intentions of being so witty, calm, wise and captivating- yet here I am completely vulnerable and stripped naked of all the pretenses and expectations. Once again Great Spirit/God has shown me that my ego is no match for the authentic truth of Divinity. I am but an instrument of the Divine. I seek only to know complete and utter connection to Source. What this really means is that I am attempting to shed the layers of misperceptions, outdated beliefs, and lies that have contributed to me BELIEVING that I was separate from Source at all. At my essence there has never been any separation between Source and myself. This is my belief and this is my truth. Even as I write this, I savor each word recognizing that what I have been seeking for so many years has always been present; I just needed to look inside.
If you are reading this and it is resonating with you then we have much in common.
Of course we may have different ethnicities, different skin or hair color, and may have experienced different things in our lives- but there is a truth that binds us. We are One and we are seeking connection to our own “essence of being.” There are many ways to explain what “essence of being” is and I would be foolish to believe I could sum it up perfectly for everyone reading this. To me, an “essence of being” is who/what I am at the core of my being. By this I don’t mean who I believe myself to be in the physical body but refers to my state of being as an energy body that is fully connected to Source, God, Great Spirit. My True Essence is unencumbered by who I believe myself to be in this lifetime. It goes beyond the stories I have heard about who I am. It is pure, loving, vulnerable, beautiful, and completely unique to me.
The beauty is we each have have our own “essence of being” which is fully and completely connected to the most loving Source energy.
Sure there were many times in my past when I heard myself say, “there’s no way that God/Source is present with me because I’ve been abandoned, I wasn’t treated fairly, I wasn’t loved enough” and the list goes on. But over time I began to really work on myself with regard to healing my inner turmoil and things began to shift. It took a lot of time, energy, love and compassion yet the rewards are too many to mention. There is a deeper sense of connection to Source and a deeper knowing of who I really am when I let go of old stories and old thoughts and beliefs. I’m able to recognize that perhaps some of my interpretations were snapshots of what really happened that were framed by my young mind. This doesn’t mean that I wasn’t exposed to traumatic situations/events or that others did not cause me harm but it allows me to also recognize that everything was interpreted through a child’s eyes. And the truth is that the little child that I was took everything in and felt responsible for it all on some level.
In all honesty what I’m trying to describe here is something that is so challenging to understand never mind explain with words. In a nutshell my childhood felt traumatic to me and no matter what anyone else says, it WAS traumatic for me. I don’t need to explain why. I don’t need to provide examples. I don’t need to qualify what ‘traumatic’ means to me. I don’t need validation from others in my family that it was traumatic because maybe their experience of life was different. It was my experience and only I get to give a subjective opinion of it.
Having said this, as an adult I can now see that each of us is entitled to recall, replay and relive the stories of our life including who has and hasn’t been present for us, who has and hasn’t loved us the way we wanted, and on and on and on. These stories are very real for us. They are so real that we retell these same stories over and over again but never feel any better about them. My personal work has been to really look at and listen to my own stories about my life, my upbringing and my traumas and then leaving a space for healing to occur. How? It’s not easy but it’s also not always hard. It requires a willingness and desire to allow the past to recede so that I may live a life full of joy and love. I guess my reflection question for myself is, ‘How can I acknowledge what was and then allow it to move on so that I am no longer held hostage to it?’
Everyone’s path is different but there is a way to become the author of your own story. It is through deep healing that we can survive trauma, hardships, abuse, and neglect yet come out as triumphant beings full of compassion and love.
